March 2, 2016

Conversations In a Closed MRI

MRI Nurse “This will be a piece of cake.”

Me “Oh, it is my third. I am good.” Why did I just brag about that, am I 75 years old? When is getting an MRI cool?

MRI Nurse “Just lie down and don’t move.”

Me “Got it. This is when I close my eyes and pretend not to be here.”

"Here we go now.
Don’t move, and Katie, don’t open your eyes. 
Do not open your eyes. 
Well the headphones fit tight now that the
machine just compressed my head.
I am glad I recently watched Star Wars, this sounds like I am fighting Darth Vadar. 
I should have asked for an eye mask.
Darth Vadar has a mask. 

Don’t open your eyes. 
Oh, a cool breeze. That’s nice, they have AC in here. 
I can relax, well, that is ironic. 
Don’t open your eyes. 
Are you kidding me, its blowing the one loose piece of hair that is on my forehead. 
I can’t reach it. Can you push the panic button for that?
Has anyone really had a full panic attack in one of these? 
Don’t move.  
Oh wait, now, wait for it, oh yes, 
I am inside a jackhammer on a NYC. Street.
Don’t open your eyes. 
Why are you curious if you are claustrophobic? 
This is why people take zanax before an MRI.
You can always push the panic button.
I wonder if anyone has died in one of these.
At least I have cool Nascar like headphones. 
Oh, now I am actually at a Nascar race. 
No, in the engine of the car.   
These headphones really should have music in them. 
And why is the pretty picture on the wall, I can’t see it from in here?
It is interesting that when you swallow the noise actually changes. 
Swallow, remember to swallow.
Oh crap, that’s a tickle. 
Now I have to sneeze. 
Really, if I sneeze, I will hit the roof of the machine and break my nose. 
Can you push the panic button for a sneeze?
Don’t move, whatever you do, don’t move.
Do not open your eyes.

Has a machine ever crushed someone?
Should I have researched this?
What is an MRI?
Is it going to kill me?
If there is metal in my mascara, will my eye lashes get sucked to the side of the machine? 
I am glad I skipped deodorant. The aluminum in it could make me get pulled into the machine.  
Now it sounds like I am living in a NYC apartment while renovations are going on. 
I can hear a phone ringing in the background.  
Answer the phone. Please.
Oh, its not really a phone. 
You moved! 
You moved your foot.
 This is for your shoulder, phew.
I wonder if I was supposed to have my arm by my side?
Was I allowed to have it crossed on my chest?
Darth Vadar is back. Didn’t I kill him a while ago?

MRI Nurse “I hate to wake you up, Katharine, but you are all finished.”

Now…that was funny.

1 comment:

  1. Years ago had an MRI in what I later described as a metal tampon .45 minutes.. face 3 inches from a tin mirror so if I wanted to I could enjoy the look of horror on my face. Never again. I'd rather die. New machines much better. :)